Luxury Estate in The Kingsway

Welcome to this architectural cry for help in The Kingsway, Etobicoke’s most prestigious neighborhood, where everyone silently competes through landscaping and passive-aggressive lawn ornaments.

Property Features

• Exterior: Imposing stone facade and landscaping maintained by a crew who know all your secrets.
• Main Floor: Grand foyer designed to impress people you pretend not to like, formal rooms no one is allowed to enter, and a chef’s kitchen used exclusively for Uber Eats unpacking.
• Upper Level: 5 generously sized bedrooms, ideal for family members who prefer to text from across the house rather than speak aloud.
• Lower Level: Finished basement featuring a home theater that functions mainly as a glorified nap chamber, and a wine cellar with only the bottles you swear you’ll save for a special occasion.
• Outdoor Space: Heated pool you’ll use twice per year and a covered patio perfect for pretending you like entertaining.

Location Highlights

• Minutes from overpriced brunch
• Close to schools that look down on other schools
• Swift access to traffic you’ll slowly surrender to emotionally
• Technically near downtown Toronto (with effort and regret)
• Near parks where you can reflect on your choices

Additional Information

This home is equipped with a full smart system that will definitely not gaslight you when the lights flicker. The primary suite features a spa-like ensuite designed for brief moments of imagined serenity before the crushing weight of obligation sets in.

If you’ve ever wanted a home that projects success while quietly consuming your soul, this is the one.

Don’t miss this chance to overextend yourself for a piece of Kingsway grandeur.